Ryan got a work phone call at 1230 tonight. He runs a residential treatment center so these phone calls are not a rarity in our household. It was a new staff who didn’t know any better.
And now I’m awake and have been for over an hour now. Keelyn is also awake and moving around, which makes me feel a little better that I’m not the only one.
I have been having some realization thoughts lately and not the good kind. The “Good lord I’m going to be someone’s mother” kind of thoughts. I have to admit that it does sometimes (okay most times) scare the living daylights out of me that in a few short months I’m going to have a baby and that baby is going to NEED me. (I often have these thoughts on days where I stay in my pajamas all day and don’t eat at regular times)
I think about when she gets in trouble or disappoints me and how I’m going to handle that. I’ve always been a huge grudge holder and now I have this little person who I can’t hold a grudge against, because?? I just can’t. I’m the type of person with very organized madness and I’m scared to give that up.
I, of course, think about all of the fun that babies bring, but I’ve never been good with crying. Crying babies especially. I was never one of those girls who longed to babysit and be around babies. I was the one who handed off the crying baby to someone else. And now, I have to DEAL with that crying baby and figure out what the hell is going to make her stop.
I help people for a living. That’s what I do and what I love to do. But at the end of the day those people go away. And I love that. She will not go away. I’ve gone an entire month without going food shopping and lived off of peanut butter and potato chips. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t put those kinds of things off and just let it go.
I will no longer be able to say to someone, “yes I have tuesday evening free, let’s do something”. That will be replaced with “Tuesday….wow…can i get a sitter? Would Ryan be okay with watching her? Is this something that NEEDS to be done?”
I’m rambling and I realize that my life does not END with having a baby. I honestly cannot wait to see this tiny thing that I’ve helped to create and help her be something. I have dreams about who she looks like more and all of the fun “kid” things I will get to do with her. I will get to see her learn and give her everything I can.
In short, I’m glad she’s awake with me now. She’s helping me to overcome so much and I can’t thank her enough for that.
